


Find My Soul A Home

by TheAvengersMascot



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Brother Feels, Homelessness, Misunderstandings, One Shot, Other, Panic Attacks, Parent/Child Incest, Past Sexual Abuse, Prostitution, See Notes for more details, buckets of guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 02:34:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2212506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAvengersMascot/pseuds/TheAvengersMascot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been seven years since Loki ran away. Seven years without answers, until Thor learned the awful truth. Now he's determined to find his brother, if for no other reason than to say how sorry he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **To anyone concerned about the Non-Con/Underage warnings** : None of the abuse is explicitly depicted in the story but it is referenced throughout, so if you find the idea triggering, please read with caution or avoid this one altogether.
> 
> Filled for [ this prompt](http://norsekink.livejournal.com/13205.html?thread=32778901#t32778901) on norsekink

Thor watched from across the street as thin, pale fingers lit a cigarette. The face briefly illuminated by the flame of the lighter was different than he remembered. Gone were the pink, round cheeks of a child, replaced by sharp angles and the shadows they made. No matter how much time had changed him though, there was no mistaking the face of his brother.

Seven years. When he thought about it, Thor could hardly fathom it. Seven whole years since Loki disappeared. Seven years since the police ruled out foul play and classified him as a runaway. Seven years of watching as his mother went from hopeful to mourning. And seven years of wondering why his father always seemed more angry than sad over it all.

At the thought of his father, a wave of nausea swept over Thor. As usual, it was followed by a second wave, this one made of guilt. The second wave brought with it memories of all the signs he should have noticed all those years ago. Loki always seemed afraid of their father. Whenever he was in the same room, Loki's shoulders would slouch and his head would fall. Thor feared Odin to a degree as well, their father being a rather stern man, but his feeling was nothing like what Loki's seemed to be. When Odin was home, Loki tried to be invisible. He never spoke unless he was addressed first, never made eye-contact with the man, and as hard as Thor wracked his brain, he couldn't remember a single time Loki ever hugged their father. Odin embraced him but Loki never brought his small arms up to return it.

Thor brought his fist up to his mouth, closing his eyes to force down the sick feeling. How had he not seen it? How had none of them seen it? It didn't seem to matter how many times Thor asked himself the same questions, he never found answers.

A dingy looking blue car came to a stop in front of where his brother stood. Loki stepped forward and bent down to look in the window with a smile. The expression was so forced it hurt Thor's cheeks to look at it. Then something in his chest began to hurt when he realized he had seen it before, often in fact. Any time their parents had friends or business associates over to the house, the adults usually would make a cursory attempt at engaging the two boys. Loki wore that exact same smile whenever they talked to him about his father.

Loki straightened up from looking in the car window. His eyes travelled up and down the street. Apparently settling whatever debate had been going on in his mind, he flicked the cigarette down to the ground where he snuffed it out with his foot. Pasting the smile on his face once more, Loki got in the car.

The vomit Thor had managed to keep down threatened to rise again. His stomach felt as if it was full of stones. He clamped his hands on the steering wheel of his car, knuckles turning white. This area of the city was known for a few things but one in particular was the source of Thor's discomfort. It was street known to be frequented by prostitutes. And from everything he saw, Loki was one of them.

~~~|~~~

Thor returned to the street the next night, finding his brother already there. A pair of working girls strolled past Loki and the three of them exchanged 'Hellos' but nothing more. No one else approached Loki after they passed. If Thor was still qualified to have an opinion on such things, he'd say his brother looked anxious as the minutes wore on and no one tried to pick him up.

"You see anything you like, sugar?" a breathy voice drawled in his ear.

Thor started, whipping his head around to find one of the women who had just spoken to Loki peering in through his open window. She smiled, the expression just as wide and fake as his brother's.

"You're a jumpy one, aren't you?"

On instinct, Thor's eyes began scanning the street for anyone who might be a police officer. The last thing he needed was to get a bogus arrest for solicitation when all he was trying to do was keep an eye on Loki.

"I'm really not in the mood," he said.

"Everyone says that their first time and this is your first time. I can tell."

Not finding any obvious police presence, Thor's gaze came back to the woman. "Look, I know this is hard to believe but I didn't come here looking for... company."

"Aw, aren't you cute?" she replied, giving a playful pat on his shoulder.

Thor hardly felt it because something across the street drew his attention. Loki was speaking to a man and from the way his hands were clenched at his sides, the conversation wasn't a friendly one. The man, who looked to have about a hundred pounds on Loki, was getting rather close. Thor couldn't hear anything being said but he could plainly see the man pointing at Loki in a way that looked angry and making other pretty aggressive gestures. Loki brought his hands up in front, palms out. Surrender. He seemed to be pleading with the man, who wasn't in the mood to hear it. He grabbed the lapels of Loki's thin jacket and shook him. It took all of Thor's self-control to not jump out of the car and throttle the guy. He didn't know who the man was to Loki and given the dangerous lifestyle his brother was living, intervening might cause more problems than it solved.

The pat on his arm turned into a light squeeze. "Honey, take my advice," she said. "Don't get involved in domestic disputes."

"What?" Thor asked, eyes still on Loki. The altercation was winding down but it wasn't over.

"I see you watchin' Dallas over there. That's the kind of trouble a nice guy like you should stay out of."

"Dallas?" he repeated, finally looking at the woman again. "Is that his name?"

"Sort of," she replied. "He won't tell anyone much about himself, not even his real name. The only thing he's ever told us is he's from Dallas, Texas, so we started calling him Dallas. He's never objected so it kind of stuck."

 _He's not from Dallas,_  Thor thought to himself. _He's from Boston._  It made a kind of sense though. Loki had run away so of course he wouldn't tell anyone the truth of where he came from. Someone might have heard the Missing Person report and connected the dots even without his real name. And Dallas was pretty much the opposite direction from where they were now in Cleveland.

Ignoring the woman's advice, he asked, "You know anything about the other guy?"

She sighed and stepped back from his window. She must have realized Thor really wasn't looking for what she was selling but she answered him anyway. "Thanos is a pimp. At least, I think he is. He and Dallas have some kind of deal. I see him handing over some money a couple times a month. Things have been a little slow for him lately, though. Maybe he got behind on what he owes."

Thor nodded absently. It was hard enough to stomach the idea of his brother scraping by in the sex trade without dwelling on the other leeches taking advantage of him. After a moment, he realized he should have had the same consideration for the woman talking to him, not to mention all the others. She kept answering his questions even though it might have meant actual potential clients passed her by because of it. He dug into his back pocket to retrieve his wallet.

"Thanks for your help," he said, holding out a twenty dollar bill. To his surprise, she shook her head.

"That's not how it works, sugar."

"I know this isn't what you normally get paid for but I want you to have it."

The woman took several steps back from the car. "That's way less than what I cost. If I go back to my guy with that, he'll think I'm holding out on him and want to know where the rest is. Trust me, I'm better off without it."

She didn't wait for an answer, just turned on her heel and walked away. Only after she approached another car did Thor realize he never even asked her name. How many others had done the same thing to her? To Loki? How many people used them and sent them on their way without ever once acknowledging them as people?

With a shake of his head, Thor added that fresh nugget of guilt to his ever growing pile. It seemed to get bigger by the hour with each new thing he learned about the life his brother led. Turning his eyes back to Loki, he saw the pimp walking away from him. The moment Thanos was out of sight, Loki let the cracks show. His shoulders sagged as if whatever tension was holding them upright abruptly snapped. He leaned back against the wall, pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes. After a few seconds, his chin dropped and his hands moved up to fist in his hair, all the while his chest heaved with ragged breaths. Loki stayed that way for almost a full minute before lowering his hands and jamming them in his pockets. They came back into sight with a cigarette and lighter. His trembling fingers needed several tries to get a flame from the thing. Once he succeeded, he took a long drag from the cigarette and closed his eyes.

Somewhat reluctantly, Thor started his car and drove away. He'd hoped to confront his brother that same day but seeing how shaken he was after the argument with Thanos, Thor changed his mind. Talking with Loki would be challenging enough without other people complicating things even more. He took one last look in his rear view mirror before turning the corner, just catching a glimpse of Loki taking another drag of his cigarette.

~~~|~~~

Thor tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. He tried stopping himself several times but they kept returning to their restless rhythm every few minutes. Loki had been on this street at the same time the past two days. Each of those days Thor just watched as his brother went about his business. After a sleepless night, during which he couldn't stop seeing Loki's wide eyes staring at the angry face of his pimp, Thor made up his mind to not wait any longer before talking to him. So of course, today Loki was nowhere in sight.

Thirty minutes turned into an hour and still no sign of him. Thor let loose a few curse words, angry at himself for having delayed. Seven years without his brother should have been long enough. He should have gone straight up to him that first day. The thing is, Thor has a secret.

He's a coward.

The thought of facing Loki knowing what he did now set Thor's heart thumping furiously in his chest and turned his stomach to rot. When he thought back on the outpouring of sympathy from his friends and their community back in Boston after Loki disappeared, he couldn't help but cringe. Nobody could understand why back then. Why would Loki want to run away from such a loving home? It made no sense. Their family received nothing but support and all the while, Loki was out here alone and doing god knows what to make it from one day to the next. That he was ignorant of the truth at the time did nothing to ease Thor's guilt. He grew up in what he thought was a loving family while right beside him, his brother lived a nightmare for years. He was somehow just too self-involved to see it. Thor had tried since the moment he learned of Loki's whereabouts to find the words to apologize to him for that. It was days later and he still had none.

Another hour passed before Thor gave up and went back to his hotel. Staying in a strange place alone gave him far too much time to think about his own mistakes but he didn't really have another option. That night, he did manage to fall asleep but guilt is a sinister thing. It crept into his dreams, calling to Thor's mind more memories that should have tipped him off to what was happening. He saw their family sitting around the dinner table, their father talking to the boys about some of their recent school work. Loki had gotten a rather low mark (for him) on an assignment and their father told him he wanted to discuss it with him after dinner in his study. Thor didn't remember noticing at the time but in his dream, Loki sank down in his chair and didn't touch the remainder of his meal. Once their father was finished, he took Loki by the hand and led him to the study. His brother went, but just before they left the dining room, he looked over his shoulder at Thor with pleading eyes that seemed on the verge of tears.

Thor came awake with a jolt, immediately feeling sick to his stomach despite the fact he'd hardly eaten. It was just a moment, one split-second, but Loki's teary eyes were seared on his memory like a cattle brand. At the time he thought his brother was being a bit of a baby. After all, Thor had many similar discussions with his father over the years, or so he thought. They weren't pleasant, but nothing to cry over. Only, the study door was never locked behind Thor. He never came out with puffy red eyes after. He never felt the need to go straight to his own room and hide without saying even one more word for the rest of the day. Loki did. Far too often.

Sleep wouldn't come again the rest of the night. Thor turned the TV on but didn't really watch. He just stared blankly at the screen, still trying to come up with the right words to say to Loki the next day. By morning, he still had nothing.

~~~|~~~

That evening, Thor arrived on Loki's street almost forty-five minutes earlier than the previous day. He parked the car, heart in his throat and hoping against hope that he only missed his brother yesterday. That hope dwindled when once again he saw no sign of him. Thor closed his eyes then and did something he almost never did. He said a prayer, pleading to whatever higher power there was that he would find Loki. He couldn't lose him again. Not now that he knew the truth.

For once, the gods were on Thor's side. Not ten minutes later, Loki came into view. He might have had a black eye but Thor wasn't sure. He only had a clear view of his brother from the side and the dark patch around his eye could just as easily be from a sleepless night. Without seeing Loki's other side, there was no way to tell. Thor waited until Loki chose a spot to stand on before approaching, giving it a few extra minutes more to make sure no one else, namely Thanos, was going to crash the party. Every car that drove by set Thor's heart beating faster. He willed them all to pass his brother by and even though they did, Thor found it harder and harder slowing his heart down again after each one.

There came a lull in the traffic, both on the road and on foot. Loki seemed relaxed. Well, not quite relaxed, but not as tense as he was after the conversation with Thanos either. Thor's heart urged him to get out of the car and go to him but his body was slow to respond. It took a minute to persuade his hand over to the door handle and for his legs to move. Loki's back was to Thor as he at last emerged from the car. He was leaning against the corner of a building, hands in his pockets. Thor could almost feel himself losing his nerve and forced his feet to keep moving, walking faster even as they felt heavier with each step.

"Loki?" he called out when he was close enough.

Time stopped. At least that's how it felt to Thor. Loki went so still at hearing his name that it made Thor freeze in turn. He held his breath and waited for some other reaction. After an eternity, Loki's shoulders moved slightly up and down as he finally took in another breath. He didn't turn around though. Not even when he answered.

"Fifty bucks."

Thor's racing mind ground to a halt. "What?"

Loki stayed facing away. "It's fifty bucks for an hour. One-fifty for the whole night."

 _Does... does he really think I'm here for that?_  "I... I'm not..."

"Unless you prefer to watch," he went on. "In which case I'm sure we can find someone else who wants to play. You'll have to pay them separately though."

"Loki-"

His brother spun around so fast Thor didn't have time to process what was happening before Loki was in his face, one hand wrapped around his throat. "Say that name again and I'll rip your throat out."

All Thor could do was stare, even as fingertips dug into the flesh under his jaw. Up close, Loki looked even thinner than he had from far away. His jaw and cheekbones protruded too far to be natural, but that wasn't what really grabbed Thor's attention. It was his brother's eyes. They were wide, almost wildly so, like a cornered animal. There was so much anger in them it froze Thor's blood.

Without waiting for an audible answer, Loki let go and started walking down the alley he'd been standing in front of.

"W-wait!" Thor wheezed. He could still feel the hand pressing on his throat as if Loki's fingers had left permanent indentations.

"Go home, Thor," Loki snapped without pausing or breaking his stride.

"No. I didn't come all this way just to leave-"

Loki wheeled about again. "I don't need to be saved. Not anymore and certainly not by you."

"Can we just talk-"

" _No!_ "

Thor would never know what came over him but as he watched Loki turn away again, something inside him snapped. He ran after his brother, closing the distance between them in a handful of strides. Reaching out, he grabbed Loki by the arm and pulled. When they were face to face again, Thor saw his eyes were just as wide as before only now, they were filled with sheer terror. He realized his mistake the same time Loki wrenched himself free. The two of them stood there for a few moments, silent but for Loki's panicked breathing. Thor took a step back and raised his hands in a gesture of apology. He tried and failed to ignore the guilt he felt at the sight of Loki with his own arms held up to protect himself from the blows he seemed sure were coming. Even when Loki managed to lower them a bit, the sight continued to sting Thor's conscience.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that," he apologized. Loki made no reply. He just kept watching Thor with wary eyes, his whole body tense and ready to flee. "Lo- brother please. I just want to talk. I'm staying at the Hilton on Carnegie. Will you come there with me?"

Loki smiled but it was an almost feral thing, like an animal baring their teeth. "You want to take me to your hotel?" He shook his head. "I don't know why I'm surprised. Like father, like son."

"That's not-"

"Stop playing at being the hero, Thor. I know better than that."

The words were haughty but the wavering in Loki's voice combined with the way he wrapped his arms around his torso as if he was hugging himself undermined their effect. All Thor could see was the frightened little brother pushing him away to protect himself.

"Even if your motives are completely noble, the fact is, I don't care," Loki continued. "I don't care what's spurred this change of heart because I don't need you now. I needed you then. Where was your concern when he was at me day after day? Tell me.  _Tell me!_ "

Tears spilled from his eyes but he seemed completely unaware of them. It took Thor a few seconds to find his voice again because when Loki screamed his demand, he couldn't have sounded more like the little brother Thor once knew.

"...Brother, if I had known I swear I would have stopped it."

Loki blinked and his eyebrows drew together. "You expect me to believe that?"

"It's the truth." Thor replied.

At that Loki made a sound that was almost like a laugh. "I may not have finished school Thor, but I'm not that naive. You can't just spin some pretty lie and expect me to fall for it."

"It's not a lie," he insisted. "I would have-"

"Stop it. Just stop it. I don't know what your game is but I'm done playing. Why should I listen to anything you say when it's all lies?"

"I'm not lying," Thor answered, puzzled at why Loki kept insisting he was. In his brother's line of work it was probably the safer thing not to trust anyone but Thor wasn't just anyone. They were brothers, they'd been close once. Apart from his blindness to what their father was doing to Loki, Thor didn't think he'd ever done anything to earn such suspicion from him.

Loki shook his head and crossed his arms, looking a little less like he was trying to shield himself from something. "Why should I believe you care about me now when you wouldn't help me back then?"

It was Thor's turn to shake his head. "I told you, I would have done something if I'd known."

 _"You did know!"_ Loki all but screamed, his voice echoing up the high brick walls on either side of them.

The sounds died away, leaving an unnatural quiet in their wake as the two of them stared at each other. Loki's face was defiant and angry. Thor couldn't see his own face but the churning dread he felt on the inside must have been reflected on the outside. That's what Loki thought he was lying about? Not whether or not he would have intervened but his knowledge of what happened?

"I didn't. I... why would you... did he tell you that?" he stammered out.

Loki's expression started to change. It shifted from anger to something confused, then to a look of dawning horror.

"Loki," Thor said, momentarily forgetting what his brother said about using his name. "Did  _he_  tell you that?"

His brother didn't answer but his silence was answer enough. As the truth sank in, Loki started shaking his head, muttering at the same time. The soft words grew loud enough for Thor to hear 'No' repeated over and over.

"Loki?" he called out gently, taking a slow step forward as he did.

Loki's hands found their way into his hair, twisting and pulling. All the while he continued repeating his mantra of denials.

"Loki," Thor tried again, moving forward another step.

"Just don't... just... don't say anything!" Loki cried. He turned his back on Thor before screaming a curse while kicking at some garbage piled against the wall. He screamed again, this time with no words, just a wail of pure anguish.

"Brother?"

"Get away from me!" Loki shouted backing away again.

"You okay Dallas?" a new voice spoke up.

Thor looked over his shoulder. The woman he'd spoken to before was there along with another working girl. Both of them were glaring daggers at him as if he were the enemy. He was about to explain who he was when he heard footfalls. Looking back, he saw Loki running. Thor went after him but while he was the stronger one, his brother was always faster. With his head start, Thor didn't have any hope of catching him. He gave chase anyway, desperate not to lose Loki but it wasn't a game he could win. Loki knew these streets far better than him and all it took was a few seconds where Loki was out of sight and he was gone.

Not knowing what else to do, Thor retraced his steps back to the street. The two woman were waiting, still radiating hostility. They looked as though they were an inch away from ripping off their high heeled boots and beating him with them.

"You should leave. Now," the unfamiliar woman told him. She had the reddest hair Thor had ever seen and her temper seemed to match it.

"Do you know where he might go?" he asked, ignoring her implied threat.

"Like I'd tell you," she scoffed.

Trying his chances with the blonde one he spoke to before, he said "Look I don't want to hurt him or anything. I'm actually his... I knew him when we were kids."

She crossed her arms. She wasn't as angry as her companion but was also no more inclined to be helpful. "Well it looks like he doesn't want to know you."

Thor gave her a pleading look but she was unmoved. "Please," he begged. "I just need to know he's okay.

The two women exchanged a look before the blonde spoke again. "I'm sorry, but no. We don't know you. There's not really anyone to look out for us, we have to do it for ourselves. And each other."

Though she sounded genuinely apologetic, it didn't make Thor feel any better. He understood why the women thought they were protecting his brother, even appreciated the effort, but it made what he had to do so much harder. His heart sinking more with every step, he walked past the women and went back to his car. He circled the area for an hour looking for Loki before giving up and heading back to the hotel. On the way, he couldn't help but punch the steering wheel every few miles, wanting nothing more than to rage at the universe. After all this time to get so close to his brother only to have him slip away felt like fate was toying with them both to inflict as much misery as it could. And it was working, because for the second time in Thor's life, his brother had disappeared.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Warning:** As mentioned in the first chapter, there is no depiction of the abuse but along with being alluded to throughout, Loki does mention one specific incident with Odin. It's very brief and not much detail is given but I wanted to give a heads up anyway.

As he trudged up to his hotel room, Thor couldn't stop kicking himself over how badly he handled everything. He should have approached Loki somewhere his brother might have felt safer. He should have suspected Loki might think the whole family knew what Odin was doing to him all those years.

God, Loki really had believed that, hadn't he? That revelation brought a whole new level of horror to the situation. What must Loki have thought all that time? It was a wonder he ever wanted to be around Thor at all back then. And their mother... oh, this would kill her. She always thought her and Loki had a special bond. Her devastation when he ran away was nothing compared to how she felt after finding out the truth. If she learned that he was led to think she knew about it all along and did nothing, she might never get over it.

Thor sank down onto his hotel bed, his own thoughts a relentless plague on his mind. He firmly believed when he left Boston that things could be fixed if he found Loki. The idea seemed like a ridiculous fantasy now. _If_  he managed to find his brother again, and that was a big 'if', he had no clue how to even try making things right. Maybe it wasn't even possible.

He was so lost in his own despairing thoughts that when the phone on the nightstand rang, it startled him so much he nearly fell off the bed. For a few moments, all he could do was stare at the handset. No one, not even his mother, knew he was here. So who could be calling?

The phone rang three more times before Thor's brain got in gear and he picked up the receiver. "Hello?"

 _"Mr. Odinson?"_

"Yes."

_"This is the front desk calling. I'm sorry to bother you but there is a young man here asking for you by name."_

Thor's heart leapt up into his throat. Could it really be...

_"I explained to him it's against our policy to give out the room numbers of our guests but he kept asking for you. He's refusing to leave until he speaks with you."_

Forcing air out past the throbbing lump in his throat, he asked, "Did he give you a name?"

_"He wouldn't say. He's rather tall, with dark hair and green eyes, I think. Ordinarily I would have had security escort him off the premises but he's a little worse for wear. I offered to call him a taxi to take him to the hospital but he refused._

_"... Mr. Odinson? ...Hello?"_

Thor didn't wait to hear the rest of what the concierge had to say. He threw open the door of his room and tore out into the hallway. His footfalls thundered down the corridor, no doubt annoying the other guests but Thor didn't care. Bypassing the elevator, he ran down six flights of stairs to the lobby. The door banged against the wall as he pushed through it, loudly announcing his arrival on the main floor and frightening a pair of guests waiting for the lift.

If he had stopped to think, Thor would realize he looked like a madman charging through the hotel the way he was. He had no room to think about it though, because sitting in a heap on the floor next to the front desk was Loki and the only thought in Thor's mind was to get to him. The closer he got, the more urgent that need felt. Whoever he'd spoken to on the phone was right, Loki was in rough shape. His face had fresh bruises. There was dried blood under his nose and splattered down the front of his shirt. Another blood trail ran down the side of his face, starting from somewhere up past his hairline.

Two hotel staffers who were crouching next to Loki moved away as Thor fell to his knees in front of him. "Oh god, Loki. What happened?"

Loki shrugged. Even that simple gesture seemed to take a lot of effort.

"Did you walk here?" Thor asked, his hands hovering over Loki, not really sure where to start.

"I didn't know where else to go."

"Mr. Odinson?" the man standing behind the desk called him. "I take it you know this man?"

"I do, yes," Thor replied, tearing his eyes away from his brother and looking up at the concierge. "Thank you for not throwing him out."

The man gave a half-smile. "We try to be helpful when we can. I offered to have him taken for medical attention but he refused."

Thor took another long look at Loki. "That probably wouldn't be a bad idea."

Loki furiously shook his head, then had to press one hand to his temple to ward off the pain he inflicted on himself by doing so. "No hospitals."

"Loki-"

"No. Please, Thor." Green eyes bored into Thor's blue. "It's not as bad as it looks. I swear."

Other patrons of the hotel were starting to gather a short distance away, attracted by the scene they were making. Thor didn't appreciate the idea of being a spectacle and suspected that neither Loki nor the hotel staff would either.

"Think you could walk up to my room?"

"Yeah, but not well," Loki said ruefully.

"Alright," Thor said, getting to his feet. "Come on then."

He gently pulled his brother to stand, noting every wince and flinch as he did. Letting Loki lean on him, they hobbled to the elevator. Loki was clutching his ribs on one side and was also trying very hard to not put weight on one leg. Neither brother said a word as they rode up. Thor was suffering from emotional whiplash. Just minutes earlier, he was certain he'd never see Loki again and now he was here. Bruised and battered, but here, practically in his arms. If Thor was struggling with it all, he couldn't imagine what must be going through Loki's head.

Together they made it to Thor's room. Loki collapsed against him almost as soon as they crossed the threshold and Thor more or less carried his brother to the bed. He figured it was the softest and if he was the injured one, he'd definitely want the bed.

"I'll go get some ice," he told Loki. "Just... don't go anywhere, okay?"

His eyes closed, Loki replied, "Don't worry. I'd probably pass out if I tried."

Despite Loki's assurance he would stay put, Thor didn't take his time. He kept a hurried pace to and from the ice machine down the hall from his room. When he returned, he found Loki hadn't moved and suppressed a sigh of relief. Hand towels from the bathroom served as bags for the ice cubes and when the first one was ready, Thor handed it to his brother.

"Thanks," Loki mumbled before pressing it to the most bruised side of his face and closing his eyes.

"How's your head?" Thor asked.

"Not great."

Thor thought for a bit as he tried to remember what the doctor asked him after he cracked his head playing sports at school and the P.E. teacher suspected he had a concussion.

"Are you dizzy?"

"Kind of."

"Nauseated?"

"No."

"Any vision problems?"

"What are you, a nurse?" Loki snapped, finally opening his eyes again.

"I'm trying to tell if you have a concussion," Thor explained.

"I told you, it's not as bad as it looks."

"So I'm not allowed to worry?"

Loki's only answer was a glare and Thor bit back an even more sarcastic retort. Up until a few hours ago, his brother had no reason to think he ever cared about him. He wasn't going to change that mindset after only a few hours.

"This isn't the first time I've been worked over. I know what I'm talking about."

On hearing that, any irritation Thor felt over Loki's temperament drained away. "I'm sorry," he said.

"You should be," Loki grumbled. "This is your fault."

Thor had just finished positioning another bundle of ice on the leg Loki had been favoring as they walked. "How do you figure that?"

"I was supposed to meet someone today. Then you showed up and I completely forgot. When I wasn't there, he assumed the worst."

"Does 'he' have a name?"

"Does it matter?"

"Not really," Thor replied in spite of his curiosity.

There was a pause before Loki answered, "Thanos."

"Your pimp?" he asked before his brain could catch his mouth.

"He's not... who told you that?" Loki demanded.

Thor ducked his head, feeling sheepish. He'd have to admit to watching Loki for days before talking to him. "I was talking to... dammit, I never did get her name. The blonde one that interrupted us today."

"Amora."

"Really?"

Loki made a sort of half-shrug. "It's what she calls herself. I have no idea if it's her real name."

"And the other one, the redhead?"

"Lorelei. They might as well be sisters, those two. Joined at the hip as long as I've known them."

"Right. Well I was talking to Amora a couple of days ago. You were talking to some guy. She said he was a pimp."

Loki raised an eyebrow, then immediately winced from how the movement pulled at a cut above his eye. Through gritted teeth, he asked, "You were there that day?"

"Yeah." Thor took a deep breath. "And the day before that."

"Why?"

"I didn't have the nerve to talk to you."

"Really," Loki scoffed, the one word laden with sarcasm.

Thor nodded, not able to meet his brother's eyes.

"Really," he repeated in a quiet, almost hushed voice.

The tone was so different the second time Thor had to look up. It was no easy task to not squirm under Loki's searching gaze. From his perspective, the silent pause stretched on for an eternity.

"He's not a pimp," his brother said at last, in the same subdued tone. "I mean, he is, but not mine. I don't have one. We just have an arrangement."

"Oh," was all Thor could say.

Something in his voice must have sound odd because Loki rolled his eyes. "Not _that_ kind of arrangement. Thanos runs a brothel. I did him a favour once so now when I don't have a place to sleep he lets me stay there, but it's not free. I was supposed to pay him today but then you showed up and I forgot and everything went to hell."

"Is that what he was doing there the other day?"

"Yeah. He came to collect and I didn't have it. I managed to bargain for a few more days but I don't think it's going to matter now."

"Why not?" Thor asked.

"Why do you care?" Loki returned, sounding weary.

Thor willed himself to be patient, remembering that Loki could have only survived alone as long as he had with some pretty strong self-preservation instincts. Those same instincts that kept him alive would also make it extremely hard for him to be open with another person. Not to mention that in the last seven years, he probably didn't have the chance to be open with anyone. Maybe he was just out of practice. Thor went with a simple, honest answer.

"You're my brother. Why shouldn't I care?"

Loki gave him another measuring stare before grudgingly answering, "It won't matter because I can't afford to stay there anymore."

"Thanos raising the rent or something?"

It was a weak attempt at humor and it fell completely flat as Loki ducked his head a little. For the first time in their conversation, he seemed uncomfortable about the subject of his occupation. "I don't get picked up as much as I used to. I'm not under eighteen and I can't pass for it anymore. A lot of the guys I get prefer them young."

"Oh god, Loki," Thor murmured. "I'm so sorry."

His brother gave him that same intense stare as he had before. "I don't want your pity, Thor."

"It's not pity. Well, maybe it is. It's just," he hesitated, frustrated by how hard it was to put into words. "You left to get away from dad and you ended up having to deal with the more guys like him."

"I didn't have a lot of choices."

Thor's heart just ached. It was so easy to picture Loki on the street, alone, desperate. He was only thirteen when he ran away, far too young to be on his own. He left to escape their father's abuse, then had to submit to more. Loki said he didn't want pity but Thor couldn't help but feel it.

"I'm sorry," Thor apologized again.

"Stop that." 

"But you wouldn't have gotten hurt if it wasn't for me."

"It wasn't the first time. It probably won't be the last."

He sounded so resigned it made Thor want to scream. Loki accepted being beaten half to death as if it was a normal part of his life. For all Thor knew, it was. "Did you ever go to the hospital?"

Loki smiled but to Thor's eyes, it was the saddest expression he'd ever seen. "Why would I want to do that?"

"To make sure there was nothing seriously wrong."

"I have no money for a hospital stay."

"But there must be somewhere-"

"There isn't," Loki cut him off. "Besides, even if there was, you don't know what it's like to have people judge you the moment they see you. People have little regard for the homeless as it is, never mind homeless hookers. We're not even people as far as most of them are concerned. I know I'm an undesirable. I don't need people who know nothing about me shoving it in my face."

"I'm sorry."

"I said stop that."

"Well I can't help it Loki!" Thor got to his feet and started to pace. "You disappeared and we never knew why. Everyone kept telling us what a tragedy it was. We got so much sympathy, it was like you died. For seven years it was this great mystery to me why you would ever run away."

He stopped with his back to Loki to rub his face with his hands. Without turning around again, he went on. "And after all that time, all that wondering, I finally find out the truth because of a flash drive. A stupid, fucking flash drive I borrowed from Dad's desk. It was buried way back in the drawer and it looked old so I thought he wouldn't miss it. I plugged it into my computer and I found..."

"What?" Loki prompted when words failed him. "You found what, Thor?"

A familiar nausea crept up Thor's throat, burning it with bile. He knew he'd never unsee what was on the drive. "He made recordings."

"Recordings?" Loki repeated, sounding as sick as Thor felt. "... Of me and...

"Yeah. I think it was with his webcam."

Summoning what little courage he had, Thor glanced over his shoulder at Loki. His brother's eyes were haunted, like he was reliving a nightmare. He had wrapped his arms around his middle, the same way as when Thor frightened him on the street. Every few seconds he shuddered.

"What did you do?" he asked vacantly, thoughts still caught up in the past.

"I called Mom and told her to come home. I wanted her to know the truth before I did anything else."

"Did you show her?"

"No. She asked to see them at first but I didn't let her."

Loki mind came back from his memories as his eyes landed on Thor and focused again. "She really didn't know?"

"No. Nobody did," Thor answered with an emphatic shake of his head. Loki studied him for a moment before his eyes slid away once more.

"She walked in on us once. I was seven. He had me sitting on his lap. His hand was down my pants. She didn't do anything. She acted like nothing was wrong. He already told me she knew but I don't think I believed it 'til then. He never forgot to lock the door after that."

The words were spoken softly but each one hit Thor like a punch to the gut. It wasn't as if he didn't already know what their father did to Loki but hearing the details never got easier. In fact, the opposite might be true.

"She didn't know Loki, trust me."

"She..."

Thor waited, but Loki never finished his thought. "Did she actually come inside the study?"

A long silence stretched on before he answered, "...No."

"Then she couldn't have seen what he was doing, not if you were both behind the desk."

If Loki heard what he said, he didn't acknowledge it. His eyes were downcast, fixed on the towel full of ice cubes that he'd stopped holding up to his head some time ago. Tears collected in his eyes before slipping down his cheeks and off his chin. There were no sounds of crying, no gasping breaths or heaving sobs. There was only the tears streaming silently down his face.

Thor was close to doing the same himself. All those years that passed filled with misery and loneliness because of the actions of their father. The lie that the whole family knew taught Loki no one was on his side and kept him from ever asking for help. Things could have turned out so different if not for that. They lost so much, Loki most of all.

He didn't know if an embrace would be welcome or not so he knelt down beside the bed, then took Loki's hand. It was cold and a little damp from the ice but what mattered most to Thor was that he didn't pull it away.

"Loki, please believe me. Mom and I love you. We had no idea what he was doing to you. If we had we never would have allowed it. It kills me, the thought of you suffering alone all that time. That's why it took me so long to work up the courage to face you. I thought we had this great childhood. When you left I was angry and heartbroken. I didn't understand how you could do that to us. Ever since I learned the truth, I've been sick with guilt. I can't believe I never saw the signs for what they were, but I see now, brother. And I swear to you, you'll never have to suffer like that again."

Again, Loki didn't acknowledge the words, not for a long while. He just sat there sniffling a little. He spoke at last with a shaking voice and without looking up. "You know, not many people would want a whore for a brother."

Thor managed a smile even though he wanted to cry. "Well, we don't get to choose our family, do we?"

A huff that sounded almost like a real laugh came from Loki's mouth. "I guess not," he conceded. "So what now?"

"Come back home with me. To Boston."

Loki was shaking his head before Thor finished the sentence. "I can't Thor. I can't go back to that house. Not ever."

"Mom put the house up for sale," he told him. "She doesn't want to stay there either. She's filed for divorce too."

"What about... him?"

"I called the police the same day I found the drive. He was arrested and there's a slew of charges pending. I think his lawyer is still trying to swing a deal but the prosecutor doesn't want to budge. Trust me Loki, he's going away. For a long time if the D.A. gets her way."

Loki wiped his eyes and leaned back to rest his head on the headboard behind him. After a minute he said, "God, I could use a cigarette."

"This is a non-smoking room. And how can you afford a smoking habit?"

"You're assuming I pay for them."

"You weren't stealing them, were you?" Thor asked warily.

"No, you dork," Loki replied. "I'd talk my johns into buying them for me."

An obnoxiously wide grin spread across Thor's face.

"What?" Loki asked when he saw it.

"You called me a dork."

From the quizzical twist of his brow, it was clear Loki didn't get the joke. "And?"

The grin got bigger. "You always used to call me a dork. It was your favorite insult."

"Oh." Loki's gaze went distant again. "I guess it was."

Thor let his smile fall away but he still felt better than he had in a while. "So... will you come back with me?"

"...I don't know."

"You don't know what?"

"...If I can handle it." A few fresh tears fell from the corners of Loki's eyes and he wiped them away with his sleeve. "I had nightmares for a long time after I left. I kept seeing him come into my room or pulling me into the study. Every time a stranger would touch me from behind I'd jump three feet in the air. When I started selling myself, I used my real name but the first time somebody called it out in the middle of sex I had a panic attack because he always used to t-talk to me w-while-"

An awful choking sound came from Loki, stopping him from saying any more. His chest rose and fell with breaths that were too fast and shallow. Thor swore under his breath.

"You're okay, Loki," he told him in low, steady tones. "You're okay. Just try to breathe as deep as you can. Do you want me to count them off for you?"

His brother shook his head so all Thor did was watch him fight off the anxiety, which Loki did with an expertise that meant it wasn't the first time. It was only after it was over that he realized Loki was squeezing his hand all the while. At least he let Thor do that much.

"That's what I mean, Thor," he said when it was over. "It took me years to bury it but just thinking about him brought it back. If I go back with you, there'll be no escape from those memories."

"You can't stay here," Thor countered. "I don't want the next time I see you to be identifying your body in a morgue, which we both know is where this kind of life leads. I get that you're worried about facing the past but burying it like you said isn't healthy either. At least if you come home you'll have me and Mom there. We'll get you whatever help you need. And any time you need to hold my hand, you're welcome to it."

Loki's eyebrows furrowed until he looked down and saw he was still holding Thor's hand with a white-knuckled grip. "Sorry," he said, loosing his hold at the same time.

"Don't be," Thor told him. "I told you, whatever you need. Please let us do this for you."

"Okay."

The reply was so soft, Thor wasn't sure he hadn't imagined it. "What?"

"I said okay," Loki replied. Then with an half-smile he added, "Dork."

Thor couldn't help but smile. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For giving me a second chance to be the brother you deserve."

"Well you asked so nicely."

Loki's attempt at a joke was undercut by the tears welling the eyes of both brothers. It took a few minutes before Thor was confident enough in his composure to speak.

"Are you sure you don't need to see a doctor?" he asked.

"Yeah. Nothing's broken, just really, _really_ , bruised." Loki thought for a second. "Wouldn't say 'no' to some Tylenol, though."

Thor gave his brother's hand one last squeeze before letting go and standing up. "I'll go get you some. And when I get back, I'll help you get cleaned up."

A hint of a smirk played on Loki's lips. "Wow. You really take this 'brother' stuff seriously, don't you?"

That wasn't something Thor could answer with a joke. "Yeah, I do."

Loki's expression sobered again. "Thanks."

Thor nodded, then left to find medicine for his brother.

~~~|~~~

The two of them left Cleveland the following morning. After seeing the rest of the bruises Loki had, not to mention a dozen older scars Thor didn't remember him having when they were boys, he was rather eager to get Loki away from his life on the streets. The drive from Cleveland back to Boston could be made in a single day but Loki couldn't handle that many hours sitting in the car so they spent the night in upstate New York. The drive itself was quiet and by turns comfortable and not. They were two people who knew each other as children, not as men. Getting reacquainted had its share of awkward silences. They were on the road several hours the first day when Loki finally asked the obvious question.

"How did you find me?"

"After you disappeared and the police couldn't track you down, Dad said he'd hire a private investigator. A few months later, he said the P.I. didn't find a trail either. Turns out, that was another lie. The guy found the night janitor from the bus depot and he remembered you getting on the bus to Ohio. Somehow the police missed talking to him. The P.I. gave the info to Dad, who sat on it until after he was arrested. I hired a local investigator in Cleveland to see if he could find anything. He didn't at first. You didn't have a criminal record or show up in any police reports, nobody working at the Cleveland bus station back then remembered you."

"So how'd he do it?"

Thor shook his head. The next part of the story almost defied belief. "He got lucky. He was passing by not far from where you... worked... and saw you getting out of a car. He followed you to your street, then asked around quietly if anyone knew your story. You were pretty good at keeping your head down so he didn't get much. He took some pictures and sent them to me anyway to ask if I thought it was you."

Loki hummed an acknowledgement and turned his gaze back to the window. Thor figured it was his turn to ask something.

"Why Cleveland?"

His brother stayed facing away from him. When he spoke, he sounded like his mind was far away. "The day I left, I emptied Dad's wallet and that emergency cash in the kitchen he didn't think we knew about. I had enough to make out to the West Coast and I almost bought a ticket for California but then I realized if I did that, I'd have nothing left. Ohio was as far as I could get while still being able to afford to eat."

Thor hummed an acknowledgement and silence reigned in the car for a little while before being broken by a half-murmured question from Loki.

"Why would he do that?"

"Hm?"

Still gazing out the window, he said, "Why would he hire someone to find me, then do nothing when they did?"

"I don't know," Thor admitted."Maybe he was just keeping up appearances. Concerned father and all that. Or maybe he wanted to make sure you hadn't gone to the authorities. I don't know."

Loki nodded but said nothing. Thor didn't want to push so he waited to let him speak first again. He ended up waiting the rest of the day, getting only nods or monosyllabic answers to anything he said. Waiting proved difficult and that night, after they were each in their bed and the lights were off, Thor had to say something.

"Loki, are you awake?"

"Yeah."

"Did I say something wrong before? It's just that you've been really quiet ever since you asked about Dad looking for you. If I said or did something that triggered you, I want to know. Don't let me blunder around setting you off. But if it's just that you don't want to talk, that's fine too."

The longer he talked, the more he felt like he was floundering so he forced his mouth shut. The silence while he waited felt like it went on forever before a barely audible answer came from Loki's side of the room.

"It wasn't you. Not really." Another long pause. "The first year after I left was the worst. I was terrified every time I turned a corner that I'd see him or someone he sent to bring me home. When I couldn't sleep, which was most nights, I'd think about what I'd do if it happened. They... they weren't good thoughts."

Thor couldn't breathe. With all he knew now, it was all too easy to picture what would have happened with Loki dragged back to his hellish existence and unable to see another way out. Instead of merely discovering Loki was gone, Thor might have found him dead.

"Do you still? Have them, I mean?"

"...Sometimes. Not for a while, now. What you said today about how he looked for me, it kind of stirred up some bad memories. That's all."

He swallowed back a sigh of relief. "Will you... will you promise me something?"

"What?"

"If you start having them again will you tell me, or Mom? Or, it doesn't have to be one of us, just somebody. Please?"

"...Yeah. I will."

Even after hearing Loki's promise, it was still several long hours before Thor managed to ignore his own dark thoughts and fall asleep. 

~~~|~~~

The last leg of the trip back home was filled with more stilted conversations, and even more awkward silences. Thor could almost feel the anxiety radiating from Loki the closer they got to Boston. The truth of what Odin had hidden all those years had shaken the whole family. It would be a long time before they were ever back to normal, if it ever happened. Seeing the way Loki's knee kept bouncing up and down or how he kept nibbling on his fingernails tempered Thor's more optimistic estimates. If his brother was this on edge about just the idea of seeing their mother again, what would he be like when it came to actually dealing with all the baggage that came with life in an abusive family?

As they passed into the city limits, Loki became still. Unnaturally so. Thor wasn't fool enough to think this meant he was calm. It was more likely the opposite.

"We're going to Idunn's?" Loki asked, his first words in almost two hours. He sounded surprised.

Thor nodded, impressed his brother still remembered the route he was taking after seven years. "Yeah. Mom's been staying there while I pack up the house. Is that alright?"

"Yeah," he replied, then after a beat he added, "He never touched me there."

 _Probably because Idunn would have ripped his head and a few other things off if she knew,_  Thor thought. Their aunt was never fond of Odin, though she kept her feelings mostly to herself out of consideration for their mother. It was fortunate Idunn wasn't the I-told-you-so type, otherwise the situation would be even more unbearable for Frigga than it already was.

Thor turned onto their aunt's street, spying their mother sitting outside on the steps of a house about halfway down. It almost looked as if she had been there ever since he called to tell her Loki was coming home. She stood up when she saw the car and to Thor's right, Loki tensed, his back going rigidly straight. The quick rise and fall of his chest made plain his anxiety as well. Thor held one hand out to Loki, who took it without saying a word. He didn't hang on with the same death grip he had before but then he didn't seem quite as badly off either, which Thor took as a good sign. Loki let go to allow him to turn into the driveway, looking a bit steadier as the car came to a stop.

Frigga stood at the base of the steps, arms wrapped around her midsection like that was the only way she could hold back from running to meet her returned son. Loki got out slowly, still sore from his injuries. He walked around the car and hesitated at the point where the driveway met Idunn's front walk. Mother and son regarded each other for a moment before Frigga lost the battle with herself and went to Loki, dissolving into tears as she threw her arms around him.

It wasn't the most picture-perfect of reunions. Their mother was crying as much from sorrow as joy, and Loki's posture was far too stiff for anyone to think he was comfortable in the embrace. _No, definitely not perfect,_ Thor thought to himself. But his brother was back, and that was a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to say it on the first chapter but the title comes from the Maya Angelou poem "Alone".
> 
> Comments are always appreciated, and I promise to answer all of them. You can also come say Hi to me on tumblr at [ theclassicblunders](http://theclassicblunders.tumblr.com).


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